Chipping away

I woke up this morning thinking, "I don't have a reason to resent Mummy." And I never really did. Given the amount of explanations for actions in the past, given bit by bit, each time I return home, it is reasonable to believe that everything that I thought I was rightly mad about, I really did not have understanding and full story to rationally justify my anger that built up into resentment. And for a moment after waking, I felt a deep sense of peace and calm, that I had nothing against my mother, and even more, that I was at peace with her. That she loved me and I could do so in return. It seems that every time I return home a little bit of the stone wall chips away, and this time, a small but significant piece broke away. It is nothing short of divine understanding, or rather by His grace, me accepting what is. 

Post-

The last time I posted, my mind was in a far off un-ventured zone of adulthood. It's still in adulthood, tiptoeing in as I have been doing so. I am at peace, adult-like so, and also with the faith of a child, as I imagine it to be so. I have learned a different side of life and have come out holding God up, with arms lifted high in humility and acknowledgment of His sovereignty. God reigns. I see the greatness of God, I see His absolute love for me, for us. I see His love in suffering and sorrow. I cannot rationalize it in my head or articulate it in clear and succinct words, but my heart knows it to be truth. That God is real. That God cries for us. That God rejoices for us. That God is far beyond us. That God sent His Son to die for me. That I might raise my hands up to Him to be filled with His grace and peace. That I, that we, cannot help but respond to Him. How is the question, the deciding factor.

Thanksgiving note of a different kind

"I won't let anything happen to you"

And when you can say this with confidence as well as without hesitation, you know that you can do so, you believe you can and have the ability to do so. Perhaps anything is an exaggeration. "I won't let you fall" would be more appropriate for an instance, a moment, an event in time. I think of a child I see in therapy, and I said this to him...and even if I was unable to fulfill an "anything" I could so do for the moment with absolute confidence and care. And I wanted to, to see him succeed.

A dear friend recently lost an unborn child at 7 months. She's only a year older than me. By the time I flew over, she was home, recovering. I am amazed at her resilience and strong will. I am more amazed that the couple's resolution to, together as one, stand before the Lord with arms lifted in thanksgiving to Him despite all that has happened to them. Today is Thanksgiving, and despite the misfortune three days ago, they decided to un-cancel their Thanksgiving gathering/meal and have one to celebrate the blessings in life. I am humbled and amazed. 

Praise God, magnify His Name. The husband spoke of not asking the 'why' but rather accepting that God chose his son to be taken to heaven, if not his son, it would some other. But God knew that he and his wife, his family was able to manage this. God does not tempt more, give more sorrow in life that one can bear.  For this child of God to say this, he turned into a man of God before my eyes. I see him in a new light, yes, I knew he was a godly man, but yesterday night, he proved himself a true man. A man of valor in weeping with his wife, and a man of God in yet still standing steadfast before God and

 giving thanks to Him in this time of absolute sorrow. I worry about the speed in which this couple has reached this point in grief, but at the same time can see how they have reached this point so soon. Praise God for such a man, and such a woman. Thank God for their example, for those like me, that I can be so privileged to know them and walk part of their path in life. Praise God, no words I can imagine that give glory to God enough, the praise and worship that He alone deserves. 

Praise God. I am blessed to be a part of this family. Like he said, "You know who family is when those people come beside you in a time like this. That's who your family is. You have friends, everyone has friends, but not everyone has family. And now I know who's my family." O God carry this family for the weeks and months and years to come. Bless them with mighty and great joy as they have experienced great sorrow.

Much a-do about nothing

So perhaps this is nothing, or perhaps this will be the second, or first post about something. Surely something to laugh about for one reason or another, or shake the head about...any who...I can laugh at myself now, and that's what matters as I write this post. God knows my intentions. And more than I can say, He has all-knowledge and knows everything...and knows my lack-therof (I want to read this mind!).

The lack of knowing what I think I should know or at least try to figure out and make the ephemeral thoughts and feelings concrete, full and tangible words and ideas. I acted on my feelings for the better...better in the sense that I am doing something about it, lacking in the sense I did so for myself, and seen only by myself...oh deary. But I take comfort that God saw, and He knows about it and the why and He also, being God :) direct my path and the path of those who I hope He will direct real soon :) But I will wait...and then perhaps laugh in the future at my trepidation and childish act(s).

Fragility

It's coming back to the conscious surface again. It's the subject of human nature, so near, permeating everything and yet so far. At times I do not understand it, and then I seek and struggle for God and then it becomes ok again and I am in tune with myself, satisfied. And then I drift and I struggle again. I think I have somewhat come to terms with it. Hold me closer dearer O Lord, open my heart to You to experience You deeper and more clearer still. I cannot imagine how much more love You have for me. It amazes me. And I will yet give up on myself.

Cravings

Oh today was hard! An appreciative parent brought in ice-cream (the cone kinds too, one of my favorites!) during the afternoon program, and later at the end of the work day there was (oh!) baked potato chips, sourdough pretzel nuggets, MORE ice-cream, fresh fruit, and sparkling fruit essence drinks. And it all looked and smelled good. I controlled myself and did not give in. But oh! I went to the grocery store to buy fruit juice and soup, and ended up buying peanut butter pretzel nuggest, veggie chips, popcorn, cheese puffs, and some other more 'healthy' options (including turkey meat for some yummy dish next week). I just kept picking up bags of this and that, like I couldn't be stopped. Argh!!!! But I will prevail! God is by my side! And yes, I still am feelin' the joy of the LORD!

Fasting & Getting to Know You phase

I'm trying to fast. I've always wanted to do a 'real' fast but never quite got up enough motivation to last me for the entire length of time. I've done one day fasts, but by day 2, I've given in and the demands of daily life take over and my body cries out for nutrition...no, to be quite honest, it's my mind screaming for the taste buds to get cracking, and my tummy bemoaning the lack of fullness...really. And my frontal lobe gives in with the reasoning that it's really about the lifestyle, the mindset, the motivations behind the task and not the task itself.

Well...so this time I'm going for a liquid fast...which has turned into a semi-solid, liquid fast. Because practically, I need to clean out the fridge...my eating habits are often driven by what's going bad first in the fridge and therefore, needs to be eaten first. But since I wanted to do a 'real' serious fast, my terms are:

• Primary liquids...this means juices, broths, water, taken throughout the day.
  
• Solids...once a day (a meal) consisting of semi-solids...like chunky soup. Also, anything else that I might have in the fridge, or any perishables lying around the house. I will not buy anymore solid perishables until the fast is over...nor will I open/use any edibles that are in cans or plastic packaging, or anything that is not in the fridge, that will still be edible after the fast. This works cause most of what is in the fridge are fruits and veges, and half a styrofoam boat (mat? container? what do you call it?) of deli chicken meat (no nitrats mind you).

The why: I don't know exactly why now but can tell you there's tons of stuff in my life that needs reckonin' which need not be divulged here. The only reason why I am doing it now is, because I feel it is time. I was unhappily sick, borderline sick, so you don't really take off work, but you don't really know what you're doing either...my head was in the clouds and it was raining up there. Finally, last week the storm came, the sickness (flu+cold+headaches, etc.) decided to come through and get itself over with. On the weekend, I was grumpy. On Monday, grumpy. On Monday night, stumbled on this website which awakened my wandering soul once more to the things beyond my ever-narrowing child-like imagination and to become indignant to the evils and injustice in the world and cry out to God, no! I must act! And from there on, I started setting time aside, despite my still-clumsy time management skills, to worship, praise, pray and read the Bible...and journal *slash* blog. And it's been amazing...not blow your mind amazing, but blow my mind amazing. I still was physically ill. On Friday I was throwing up (did I mention in an earlier entry that a child at work threw up on me the day before?) and couldn't walk without getting dizzy. I was happily ill though, weird. I ate nothing, the smell made me sick. For weeks I was miserable, grumpy at being almost but not quite ill, and now that I was "fully ill," I was pretty accepting of it. Perhaps it also had to do with the fact that I can't lie well and needed an excuse to take time off work to really REST and couldn't since I technically could still talk and walk and thus, treat and write reports and make phone calls. On Saturday, I went to see my chiropractor/biocranial specialist (good thing I didn't cancel!). I felt a world of difference after the visit, he said felt blocked energy being released when he did my right side. I just felt better. It was unusual, given that I take at least two days to get back on my feet again...not completely well, but well enough to walk and only get a little dizzy. I ventured to eat some plain rice congee. I had a great time with God on Saturday. On Sunday, I went to church, still felt unsure of my physical state...but hey, I found I could drive (sounds dangerous somehow...), and ventured to eat rice cakes and rice congee flavored with soy sauce, and chicken broth for dinner. I met with the Mu's at church and Anandit prayed for me...it was awesome. I needed someone else to pray for me. On Monday, today, I stayed home and had another awesome time with God. How cool is quiet time? Very, apparently, when you want to be there, when you want to do it.

But let's back track (I am verbose)...Friday night. I felt like I should fast. Despite my weakened state, I felt that God is calling me to fast...or that my desire to be intimate with Him requires a fast. Require...more like it was a natural step to take. It felt right. I still feel like I don't know God all the way, I know Him enough to know He's there and wants to know me. But I haven't taken the time to really get to know Him. I feel like I'm getting to know Him again, and also for the first time. I feel joy without guilt to get to know Him. I sin, I fail, yet I don't have these issues hanging over my head as a sinner when I pray, when I seek to know His word. I just concentrate on the fact that He loves me, and He finds delight in me. He likes me :) Yes, it's a female thing.

So here I am, on official day 1 (I didn't count the days before since I really was eating less because I was sick) of the fast. It's only 3.30pm and I'm already tempted...I'm cleaning up the house as well...and man, I did not know I had so many food-related articles, recipes and pictures...it's everywhere! But I must say, this blogging does help reduce the cravings. With His help, I'll do this whole week fasting!

Everything is happening so wonderfully and quickly. Seems like a lot happened (realizations) in so little time. And sigh...tomorrow is my birthday. Quarter of a decade old :P Talk about timing...and yet, why not be fasting on my birthday...isn't it the commemoration of the day the Lord formed my being? And I'll finish off the celebration in a weeks' time with food too 'cause there's also a time to rejoice...with food and drink, much food and drink :)

"Light" personality

A guest speaker's traveling partner, a Barnabas, if you will, from a few weeks' back said that I have a "light" personality. He was praying...that's what made me wonder, what does he mean by "light personality"? More specifically, he prayed that I had this personality and may God help me listen to Him and open my path...that my prayers to seek Him will be answered...perhaps it meant that I was an open person...and then there was a feeling of 'waffley' about it...like a person that is so open that they are blown with the wind every which way it goes...hmmm...hope now. Light-hearted? Genuine? What did he mean by "light personality"?????

Psalm 115: 16-18

" The highest of heavens belong to the Lord,
but the earth He has given to man,
It is not the dead who praise the Lord,
those who go down to silence,
it is we who extol the Lord,
both now and forevermore.

Praise the Lord." (NIV)

We are stewards of this earth. Everything belongs to the Lord but yet He chose to allow mankind, humankind, if you will, dominion over the earth. That how we choose to use the earth, is how decide how we will live. If we misuse its resources, so we also misuse ourselves by deliberately denying ourselves the benefits of the earth from its misuse. Yet, that verse still echoes the vast power and greatness of God...that even in His giving, He is glorious. He is still out protector. For we can turn to Him...we who extol the Lord. He is proud of us, when we act to make Him proud...by tiling the soil, by working honestly with our hands, by making much of what He has given us to being with...just like the parable of the ten minas...taking what he has given and making more, not sitting around and wasting away or being deceitful and using dishonest ways to fill our pockets.

And that time is now, the time to act is now...it always has been now. For who knows the future? The dead do not walk the earth, they do not contribute to the wealth and health of the world. They sleep, what they have done while living, is what they will be known for in the afterlife...the rewards of heaven, or grief in hell. We have the privilege to praise the Lord, to find out more about Him, to be in an intimate relationship with Him. How many works of fiction in movies, books, etc. tell of the missed opportunities...the boy didn't tell the girl, the girl didn't tell the boy and now one of them is gone forever...We feel the excitement of courtship and dating, the intensity of emotions...and so it is the same with our courtship on earth with God. Amazing. And then we can praise Him. And we can finally meet Him in heaven...our reward, the face of our lover, who first loved us.

Delight

As I think of sacrifice, giving more and more of me...I feel that God is instead telling me, to delight in Him for He delights in me. He finds joy in me...and does not want sacrifices, things that "ought" to be done to earn His favor...but just to calm down and release myself into His peace and simply to delight in Him. To love Him with my heart. To spend time with Him. To be with Him. Simply that. And that is my worship and praise to Him.

Kiss kiss

I made a vow many years ago. It was made, if I remember correctly, out of some bargaining deal I used to do (a lot of, I might add) back in the day. It probably was in exchange for good results on my SPM, the major high school national examination.

Anyways, I told God, trying to make sound "not so bargain-y" that I would save myself for God; in my relationships, I would remain physically pure. That I would not kiss a man until the day I wed that 'one.' Over the past years, it was relatively easy to keep that promise...and each time there was temptation, I always figured it meant the lips and it meant, like, you know, real kissing. In more recent years, when relationships really started taking a new, and real-er meaning, keeping the vow was difficult. Then I rationalized that I made the vow as part of a dumb deal anyways, and since no one else knew about the deal, why would it matter anyways? God would understand. I even looked up a passage in the OT were it said that if a woman made a vow but her father (or husband) hear it and did not agree to it, the vow would not be valid before God. Today, I have an understanding that it's not just the act of kissing that I am holding up before God, but it is purity in itself...resisting physical temptation...no question of where's the limit (hugging, cuddling, etc.). And although God would probably understand, it is also a reflection of how I view God. I want integrity in my life, I want to honor God with my life, my body in this way. And so I have kept, and today still keep this vow.

No question relationships are the hardest thing in my life to manage, to have. The first step in the healing process with regards to romantic relationships came when I finally brought it up...just a smidge, to my dad...the last time I was home (probably after my first year of graduate school) I told him that I believed that as long as my relationships with the people that ought to be the closest to me, my family, are broken...then I would not want to start an intimate relationship with another person, risk that one begin broken and me not knowing what a healthy one is like, or how to develop one. Hence, my lack of dating, didn't care for a serious relationship, so why date? Sure, I wanted to, but the wanting was not enough to lead to action. And my dad said quite simple, well, that's not always true. Just because I have strained relationships at home does not mean I'm completely broken and can't learn to have good relationships...hehe, and it's also good that my familial relationships are healing over the years...many many long and hard years. And it's still going. Praise God.

Sometimes I think it's still stupid in the sense that everyone's doing it, kissing...no big deal...how else are you to show how much you're committed (or so says the world), relatives show affection in that way too...and it's strictly platonic...yet somehow I feel that God understands my motives and will honor my vow to Him. And I need not worry, for when He brings the right man into my life, the one He has prepared for each other, he will understand and perhaps even rejoice in that decision. And if I am to remain single, then I will continue to rejoice in Him, for He knows the desires of my heart and also what is best for me. Hence, He will give me strength to live each day, a life in God...that's awesome :)

A New Day

It baffles me how many times I say to myself, today is a new day, today is a new start for my life. I turn a-new page. And then I think, this is it, a new beginning for the better and it's only going to get better and better. And then it starts again...today. I suppose it shouldn't come as an oxymoron. Life does change, it does have chapters, may God be glorified in each one, melding consistently into His plan.
Even since I moved to California, I have felt an emptiness, a missing piece in my role. Probably because it was the lack of community, familiar persons, companions in life, and work work work. Perhaps it is just me and my crazy mind. The bug, the one that has been with me since what seems like a lifetime ago, at age 20, has not left me. Most of the time I just think it's just my crazy mind talking, my blown up head getting out of control. And then I think, it is possible...but me? Every now and then I get glimpses that push me to explore deeper. And it drives me to think quicker, it's just my ego I'm stroking. Has not ministry been a part of my childhood and the days after? Has not my heroes always been the missionaries and life-savers? And for me to enter and be one that leads? Crazy! And then again, if God calls me truly, I am foolish not to answer. The question for me to find an answer to is, how? How do I respond? How do I test the spirits? Today I say that going deeper with Christ, dwelling daily in His word and in prayer...and most of all, speaking to His servants that already do follow Him closely is the answer to my question. I fear, yet this is the main obstacle in my path...that, and the lack of discipline. Always been there...now confronted with words.

Going to the Urbana conference some two (one?) years back ignited again my passion (curiosity?) for missions. And then coming to Southland, knowing the pastor and the Mu's has given me joy to see those who earnestly desire God and His Kingdom on earth. And Chuck Ripka. And now, Jaeson Ma. Their life stories inspire me. Me, whose weakest point is my ability to get along with others...to socialize with others...me, whose personality is better suited for the background, quiet work. Me? God, really? Then show me, make it clear to me that I cannot deny your calling. Pass me not over Lord but forgive my doubts. Change my heart O Lord and let me speak words You want me to speak, and thoughts You want me to think. That from my lips may there be hope, and my prayers, people saved in Your name.

I've been thinking lately...perhaps it's because work is just getting soooo tiring and draining...I don't need a career...for the first time since I found out school is not forever and there's actually a time when people grow up and start this thing called 'work,' a brilliant and successfully career is not of utmost importance to me. Yes, I can be good at what I do, and if I become successful by the world's standards...hooray. But that is not my ultimate goal. It's a means to an end, a way to sustain my physical wants and needs. I want to say that God is my goal. And it is in my mind. Now let it be in my heart and soul and spirit. That my thoughts will be flooded with His thoughts, that my actions will reflect my words. That my life will be a living sacrifice unto the Lord. Let my life speak for you O Lord. Help me to reconcile what I do today with the hereon after.