A year plus a few months

Wow! It's been more than a year since I last posted on this blog--I've wandered back to diary writing. But what a year 2010 was! I believe this is the general breakdown of things:

Dec 2009: I went home to Malaysia for Christmas. It was a good visit back. It was also around the time when the director of Speech and Language Services told me that she was planning on leaving for Ohio, and my CF supervisor, was taking over her position. I came back to the US early-mid January 2010.

January 2010: I ended up taking the whole month of January off from work. I had already told my supervisor about my intentions to find another placement to expand my skill set. During the December break, the director told me that things were not looking very good at the company and they were looking to cut hours, etc. If I had found a job in Malaysia, she said she wouldn't hold me to my contract and to take it. I offered to take the rest of January off instead to look for a job in the US, and to rest. It was very nice. I spent the time brushing up my resume, renewing my relationships with friends and doing lots of hanging out by myself and others. I learned to live in the moment and enjoy the present--the surroundings, the people. I learned to love God, without a church. I had time to rest, reflect, renew myself. I ended up growing closer to God and the people around me. I was content, and for the first time in my life without having to focus and concentrate on it, be truly at peace and satisfied with my life, ready to face my hopes and dreams, and to be myself. More importantly, I was not wondering or wanting a relationship to fulfill me--I was happy to be on my own.

February 2010: I met Mike. I had already a wonderful platonic relationship at the climbing gym with a talented climber who was giving me tips on how to boulder. I was building a lot of friendships actually, with both guys and girls at this time, and in the month before, and even in general, during the fall of 2009. Mike (or Mikey) was a guy who kept popping up around the side of the boulder I was trying to figure out how to climb. I liked to climb alone, it was my way to relieve stress after a long day at work. Not too different from how I also like to blast loud and obnoxious music while I workout (a.k.a. spring clean) at home. But he took me asking him what he was climb as an invitation for a chat. I meant it as a way to find out where he was going to be, and to find some other corner to climb. But Mike talked about places to climb outdoors, and alike my other platonic relationship at the gym, I thought, maybe all climber guys are nice and friendly. I found out differently when he asked me out to coffee the second time I saw him at the gym. I said no and we ended up talking outside the gym in the parking lot for at least an hour. Funny, I thought if I kept it platonic, he would eventually get the idea and just be friends. After all, I did need a climbing partner for the walls. I was wrong. I fell for him with time.

Late February 2010: My parents came to visit from Malaysia. My sister needed support. It was a low point in time for my family. I was troubled about Mike, he was not a Christian, at least not by lifestyle. I told my parents about him. I also told them I intended to stop dating him. After a week of not dating, I met up with him and thought, why not.

March 2010: Mike and I were always hanging out. The rest of 2010 was a time of great joy and also struggle for me. Mike's my first real serious relationship. At times, I thought this is how Jesus feel, the love, the pain, the fullness, the emptiness. It gave me a better understanding of God's love. At the same time, I felt estranged from God because Mike was not a believer. He was a seeker. And I have sinned in more ways than one because of our relationship. I have not been a good witness, for God, to Mike.


And here we are, January 2011. Mike and I will celebrate our 1st year anniversary (how cute) on February 20th, 2011. Neither of us could remember when we were 'official' so we just picked a date. We continue to have our differences, but we also understand each other well when we open up ourselves to each other. We both have had a not-to-smooth-sailing childhood, and we both understand what it is to fend for one's self. We both don't care for fashion (or mind, at least). We both like to climb rocks. He encourages me to enjoy life, take risks, and to be happy. He is a breath of fresh air to me--he makes me laugh, and realize that not everything has to be so serious. He also makes me feel wanted and loved. Reality is setting in too--we bicker and fight, but we end up realizing how much we want to love the other person.

I pray that God will continue to open his heart and reveal Himself to Mike. I pray that Mike will gain understanding and knowledge of God and His love for us. I pray that Mike will release himself into God's hands and respond to His call. I pray that God will bring us together as a couple that reflects God's love for the world. I pray that we may grow deeper in our faith and love in the Lord. I pray that God may be the first love in our lives.

The Unknown

There is no end to the depth of uncertainty. I guess that's what freedom is...the ability to choose whatever you want to do, whenever you want to, no boundaries. :) In the rare moments such as ths one, I think of 'responsible freedom' with new respect and a deep appreciation of the concept and the institution that taught it. Hah...I want boundaries and to be told yes or no. Within reasonable parameters of course. Isn't that always where the push and pull lies?

There is a part of me that fears once I go back, life as I know it ends...no more being free, being reckless. Life becomes about responsibilities and being responsible to others. The other part of me thinks, that's crazy, and isn't being responsible also mean that I'm choosing the right way, being responsible doesn't mean I can't enjoy it as well. I fear I won't be able to return, to go back to what I experienced as fun, as seizing the day, as breathing in fresh air.

And then if I stay, I sense a staleness. A cog in the wheel. A normalcy.

Prayed about it

I prayed about it today. About going back to Malaysia. About doing it.

Intermission

One that's been for too long. I probably have been out of church of at least 5 months now, it seems for much longer. In some ways, it was good, in others, not. I find myself inching closer to God personally, apart from any rule and principle that says this is how to know Him. I also find myself straying away from what is holy, what is pure without the boundaries of a holy community, the church. I find myself, for the first time in a significant period of time, without purpose. Yes, there's the ephemeral 'do good' but for the most part, it's 'what the heck is my life supposed to be?' That darn question that keeps coming back again and again--what is my life purpose, what is God's will for me? Of course, I can tell you, it's too love the Lord and keep to His commands, and all will follow after that. That bit about things falling into place is the vague part. I see it and I don't. Am I reading into things, am I not? People say that when it's God, you will know. Well, shouldn't I???

I've been looking for a purpose to go about daily, a goal to work towards. It was always a PhD, and now I'm not so sure. I want to bring shalom, whatever that means...I guess that's my quest--to find out what shalom is and to experience it and to share it with others. I've been looking up PhD programs, found one (just one!) that I thought I fit well with what I was interested in. I struggle to even email the professor for a meet just to introduce myself and test the waters. I have yet to do so. And then I talked to the director of my job now, and basically, yes you don't need a PhD to do what I want to do. And I have thought so myself, which is why I struggle to find a good reason for me to do one. I felt at peace when I thought more and more about going back to Malaysia and starting to pursue my 'other' dream--to open an AAC center for children (and/or adults) who require such services, to educate the public about communication disorders, a family-centered practice. Is it possible? It seem insurmountable but at the same time, doable, only by God's grace and allowance. Or is this just the other option that is easier for me, given my skill set, personality, and talents?

Ahh....

If I had a picture to put up, it would be one with a person's arms flung wide open to gather in the morning breeze atop a cliff with sunshine all around. I just got off the phone with Aunty...she's a lady I call my mentor whom I have not spoken to in many months...and I am kicking myself for not keeping in touch more. She prayed over the phone for me, and I have not had such a prayer in a long time, one that fills me and clears my head, that calls me to repentance to God, that brings me into His presence. That is just a part of the power of a praying person. Especially one you know that cares for you.

Doubts

When I am far from God, when I do not spend time daily with Him, doubts assail me, thoughts that cause me to fear and question myself come to mind. The more this patterns occurs the more convinced I am that God is real, that the devil seeks to take away what is rightly mine as a child of God. The more I see the need to regularly, constantly walk with God, closely. I just need to remember this, and then do, in times of trouble, in times of busyness, in times of stress, in times of joy.

Amen.

Calling near and far

Pastor Keith mentioned Mongolia in his sermon a few Sundays ago...about how one does not just jump at every opportunity or application that presents itself. That's not what serving God is all about. Missions work, or any kind of service to God is the outflow of gratitude and love for God that results from a real relationship with Him. And he joked, it doesn't mean you jump on a plane and fly to Mongolia...missions could be right in your backyard. Service is about the heart, not the where.

The reference has been nagging in my mind. I kept revisiting the moments at the missions (?) exhibit at that one Urbana 2006 conference that I went to. I went to see what opportunities there was for missions in speech pathology. Not much I can tell you. But there was one booth I visited that bothered me, I don't remember what the name of the organization was exactly, but it had the word "world" in it if I am not mistaken. Its logo had a black background with the globe (you know those line drawing of the longitude and latitude) on it. Rumor had it they were giving out free water bottles (the good Nalgene-like kind) with a bunch of stuff in it...but you had to talk to them to get it. And I had wanted to go check it out before but it was packed...the water bottle gave the incentive. I went. I also was ignored. But I persisted and hung around until someone was free to talk to me. I told him who I was and what I was looking for. He looked up the database to see if there was a position alike the one I was hoping for, something in speech pathology. There was one, in Mongolia. I thought, of all the places in the world that I would be willing to go to, Mongolia had never crossed my mind. But I thought, hey, if it's God's will, I will go. He asked me how serious I was, and I just, out of school and looking into job possibilities said, pretty serious. They needed a person within a year or so. We talked a bit about the position, etc. He said he was actually going to fly out there in about 5 months from now to see how things were developing (it wasn't just speech that was going on, it was a whole team) and said that if I was interested, I could come along and check it out. I was tempted. He asked again if I was serious. Overall, I felt like he didn't expect me to go or that this was the place for me. I felt that he was questioning my motive to go. And at that time, I was all about God, what do you mean if I'm serious man...In the end, I got his card and the website address to follow up on. I was rather annoyed at the lack of encouragement given. And I didn't get a water bottle :/

Looking back today, I don't know why I hung around that booth for so long, going back and forth about it trying to speak to someone.

Looking back, unlike job fairs and so many other kinda of exhibits and fairs, this one did not want to attract everyone...they also 

waited on those who came to them. I don't know how to explain it other than I feel that yes, you go to find out what's out there, but also, a lot of those exhibitors were looking to respond to those who were

 called by God then to serve. They didn't want just anyone, they wanted those who were serious with God, and who knew Him, His will. Not just being on some conference high go-God kinda 'serious' but those who were steadfast and who were in a deep relationship with God. I do believe that God lead many young persons to specific booths that day and throughout the conference to show them where He wanted them to go. And it was not my turn. 

I don't know how to connect my daily living with God. I feel that yes, I set aside time to spend with God, but then the rest of my time is spend doing my own thing...for my survival, for my career, making money to pay the rent, buying groceries, keeping my clients happy, etc. I know how one does these things should be in ways that honors God. But how is He right in the middle of it all? As I reach deeper into the Experiencing God course at church, the more I feel the disconnect. I wonder again if missions is for me. Full-time missions. I keep revisiting this thought and never coming to the conclusion that it is, it is seriously for me. I keep thinking it's my own thought...nothing outside of it confirms this thought anyhow. I believe it is important that others, the Bible, events in my life confirm this thought. If not, I will wait and continue to listen.