Kiss kiss

I made a vow many years ago. It was made, if I remember correctly, out of some bargaining deal I used to do (a lot of, I might add) back in the day. It probably was in exchange for good results on my SPM, the major high school national examination.

Anyways, I told God, trying to make sound "not so bargain-y" that I would save myself for God; in my relationships, I would remain physically pure. That I would not kiss a man until the day I wed that 'one.' Over the past years, it was relatively easy to keep that promise...and each time there was temptation, I always figured it meant the lips and it meant, like, you know, real kissing. In more recent years, when relationships really started taking a new, and real-er meaning, keeping the vow was difficult. Then I rationalized that I made the vow as part of a dumb deal anyways, and since no one else knew about the deal, why would it matter anyways? God would understand. I even looked up a passage in the OT were it said that if a woman made a vow but her father (or husband) hear it and did not agree to it, the vow would not be valid before God. Today, I have an understanding that it's not just the act of kissing that I am holding up before God, but it is purity in itself...resisting physical temptation...no question of where's the limit (hugging, cuddling, etc.). And although God would probably understand, it is also a reflection of how I view God. I want integrity in my life, I want to honor God with my life, my body in this way. And so I have kept, and today still keep this vow.

No question relationships are the hardest thing in my life to manage, to have. The first step in the healing process with regards to romantic relationships came when I finally brought it up...just a smidge, to my dad...the last time I was home (probably after my first year of graduate school) I told him that I believed that as long as my relationships with the people that ought to be the closest to me, my family, are broken...then I would not want to start an intimate relationship with another person, risk that one begin broken and me not knowing what a healthy one is like, or how to develop one. Hence, my lack of dating, didn't care for a serious relationship, so why date? Sure, I wanted to, but the wanting was not enough to lead to action. And my dad said quite simple, well, that's not always true. Just because I have strained relationships at home does not mean I'm completely broken and can't learn to have good relationships...hehe, and it's also good that my familial relationships are healing over the years...many many long and hard years. And it's still going. Praise God.

Sometimes I think it's still stupid in the sense that everyone's doing it, kissing...no big deal...how else are you to show how much you're committed (or so says the world), relatives show affection in that way too...and it's strictly platonic...yet somehow I feel that God understands my motives and will honor my vow to Him. And I need not worry, for when He brings the right man into my life, the one He has prepared for each other, he will understand and perhaps even rejoice in that decision. And if I am to remain single, then I will continue to rejoice in Him, for He knows the desires of my heart and also what is best for me. Hence, He will give me strength to live each day, a life in God...that's awesome :)