The Unknown

There is no end to the depth of uncertainty. I guess that's what freedom is...the ability to choose whatever you want to do, whenever you want to, no boundaries. :) In the rare moments such as ths one, I think of 'responsible freedom' with new respect and a deep appreciation of the concept and the institution that taught it. Hah...I want boundaries and to be told yes or no. Within reasonable parameters of course. Isn't that always where the push and pull lies?

There is a part of me that fears once I go back, life as I know it ends...no more being free, being reckless. Life becomes about responsibilities and being responsible to others. The other part of me thinks, that's crazy, and isn't being responsible also mean that I'm choosing the right way, being responsible doesn't mean I can't enjoy it as well. I fear I won't be able to return, to go back to what I experienced as fun, as seizing the day, as breathing in fresh air.

And then if I stay, I sense a staleness. A cog in the wheel. A normalcy.

Prayed about it

I prayed about it today. About going back to Malaysia. About doing it.

Intermission

One that's been for too long. I probably have been out of church of at least 5 months now, it seems for much longer. In some ways, it was good, in others, not. I find myself inching closer to God personally, apart from any rule and principle that says this is how to know Him. I also find myself straying away from what is holy, what is pure without the boundaries of a holy community, the church. I find myself, for the first time in a significant period of time, without purpose. Yes, there's the ephemeral 'do good' but for the most part, it's 'what the heck is my life supposed to be?' That darn question that keeps coming back again and again--what is my life purpose, what is God's will for me? Of course, I can tell you, it's too love the Lord and keep to His commands, and all will follow after that. That bit about things falling into place is the vague part. I see it and I don't. Am I reading into things, am I not? People say that when it's God, you will know. Well, shouldn't I???

I've been looking for a purpose to go about daily, a goal to work towards. It was always a PhD, and now I'm not so sure. I want to bring shalom, whatever that means...I guess that's my quest--to find out what shalom is and to experience it and to share it with others. I've been looking up PhD programs, found one (just one!) that I thought I fit well with what I was interested in. I struggle to even email the professor for a meet just to introduce myself and test the waters. I have yet to do so. And then I talked to the director of my job now, and basically, yes you don't need a PhD to do what I want to do. And I have thought so myself, which is why I struggle to find a good reason for me to do one. I felt at peace when I thought more and more about going back to Malaysia and starting to pursue my 'other' dream--to open an AAC center for children (and/or adults) who require such services, to educate the public about communication disorders, a family-centered practice. Is it possible? It seem insurmountable but at the same time, doable, only by God's grace and allowance. Or is this just the other option that is easier for me, given my skill set, personality, and talents?

Ahh....

If I had a picture to put up, it would be one with a person's arms flung wide open to gather in the morning breeze atop a cliff with sunshine all around. I just got off the phone with Aunty...she's a lady I call my mentor whom I have not spoken to in many months...and I am kicking myself for not keeping in touch more. She prayed over the phone for me, and I have not had such a prayer in a long time, one that fills me and clears my head, that calls me to repentance to God, that brings me into His presence. That is just a part of the power of a praying person. Especially one you know that cares for you.

Doubts

When I am far from God, when I do not spend time daily with Him, doubts assail me, thoughts that cause me to fear and question myself come to mind. The more this patterns occurs the more convinced I am that God is real, that the devil seeks to take away what is rightly mine as a child of God. The more I see the need to regularly, constantly walk with God, closely. I just need to remember this, and then do, in times of trouble, in times of busyness, in times of stress, in times of joy.

Amen.

Calling near and far

Pastor Keith mentioned Mongolia in his sermon a few Sundays ago...about how one does not just jump at every opportunity or application that presents itself. That's not what serving God is all about. Missions work, or any kind of service to God is the outflow of gratitude and love for God that results from a real relationship with Him. And he joked, it doesn't mean you jump on a plane and fly to Mongolia...missions could be right in your backyard. Service is about the heart, not the where.

The reference has been nagging in my mind. I kept revisiting the moments at the missions (?) exhibit at that one Urbana 2006 conference that I went to. I went to see what opportunities there was for missions in speech pathology. Not much I can tell you. But there was one booth I visited that bothered me, I don't remember what the name of the organization was exactly, but it had the word "world" in it if I am not mistaken. Its logo had a black background with the globe (you know those line drawing of the longitude and latitude) on it. Rumor had it they were giving out free water bottles (the good Nalgene-like kind) with a bunch of stuff in it...but you had to talk to them to get it. And I had wanted to go check it out before but it was packed...the water bottle gave the incentive. I went. I also was ignored. But I persisted and hung around until someone was free to talk to me. I told him who I was and what I was looking for. He looked up the database to see if there was a position alike the one I was hoping for, something in speech pathology. There was one, in Mongolia. I thought, of all the places in the world that I would be willing to go to, Mongolia had never crossed my mind. But I thought, hey, if it's God's will, I will go. He asked me how serious I was, and I just, out of school and looking into job possibilities said, pretty serious. They needed a person within a year or so. We talked a bit about the position, etc. He said he was actually going to fly out there in about 5 months from now to see how things were developing (it wasn't just speech that was going on, it was a whole team) and said that if I was interested, I could come along and check it out. I was tempted. He asked again if I was serious. Overall, I felt like he didn't expect me to go or that this was the place for me. I felt that he was questioning my motive to go. And at that time, I was all about God, what do you mean if I'm serious man...In the end, I got his card and the website address to follow up on. I was rather annoyed at the lack of encouragement given. And I didn't get a water bottle :/

Looking back today, I don't know why I hung around that booth for so long, going back and forth about it trying to speak to someone.

Looking back, unlike job fairs and so many other kinda of exhibits and fairs, this one did not want to attract everyone...they also 

waited on those who came to them. I don't know how to explain it other than I feel that yes, you go to find out what's out there, but also, a lot of those exhibitors were looking to respond to those who were

 called by God then to serve. They didn't want just anyone, they wanted those who were serious with God, and who knew Him, His will. Not just being on some conference high go-God kinda 'serious' but those who were steadfast and who were in a deep relationship with God. I do believe that God lead many young persons to specific booths that day and throughout the conference to show them where He wanted them to go. And it was not my turn. 

I don't know how to connect my daily living with God. I feel that yes, I set aside time to spend with God, but then the rest of my time is spend doing my own thing...for my survival, for my career, making money to pay the rent, buying groceries, keeping my clients happy, etc. I know how one does these things should be in ways that honors God. But how is He right in the middle of it all? As I reach deeper into the Experiencing God course at church, the more I feel the disconnect. I wonder again if missions is for me. Full-time missions. I keep revisiting this thought and never coming to the conclusion that it is, it is seriously for me. I keep thinking it's my own thought...nothing outside of it confirms this thought anyhow. I believe it is important that others, the Bible, events in my life confirm this thought. If not, I will wait and continue to listen.

Going and Coming

Update on my thoughts on going home. I still think of it, only now it's all in the head and not emotional. I don't feel like I should go home for good, but rather lead...but who's leading? I feel that either way would be ok...I could stay, or I could go. And I have rough plans for either side. And I'm not sure on the timing...that is not clear. I felt that it was right now before, but now it is vague. 

Steps

It's been a struggle to connect with God since I went back to the States. Alone no one stands, and my strength, O God, leaves me. Be my strength. And yet...it's a struggle to give all to God. I haven't been to my regular church...thought I would by now, but it's been three weeks already, and the thought popped in my mind...no one has called. That's not a good sign, it means that no one really missed me. And that's not community. I drove out to go this morning, but then called Sabina at the last minute, could I go to her church today? Sure...I arrived and am glad I went. I was right on time (unlike my typical well-meant timing but tardiness) and there was a guest speaker. He talked about washing away of sins, sins that grieve God. He talked about us not being able to fix things...it is by His grace. He talked about the Spirit going first, initiating the motion in our Christian lives...not our own effort, but God's. He talked about how a Christian life is one that is radically changed by God, and our view of what a Christian life is is continually challenged. God made the first move, not us. And then, we cannot supersede Him. It is by grace and utter repentance, in our surrendering that we are victorious. As much as I know, I needed this reminder, again and again to bow down before God with hands lifted high, palms open to Him. I slip so often, trying so hard and then giving up, sliding towards apathy. I struggle. I want a Christian community. I want to be missed.

I believe that God is speaking to me. And I feel that I am not giving Him the attention He deserves. And yet He comes back to me again and again. Thank you Jesus! I also feel that I am at a place whereby I need genuine people, people that will support me...and I'm not sure I can get this at the church I am 'going to now.' I feel judged, that if I don't appear 'spiritually healthy' enough, they put me in a box. And it's not ok to be emotional, I know this for experience. I want genuine people. I need someone/people to help me right now.

Home

I felt that it was time to go home for good. It's funny, after calling many different places 'home,' the home of all homes was always just Home in Malaysia. I felt it mid-way my trip home this past Christmas and then the days after. I felt that it was time to move back to Malaysia for good. I don't know if this is just the residue of going back and now

 returning. Realistically, I have about a year to work in my current job placement as part of the OT610 contract. The next time would then be to go back to Malaysia or to do a PhD. Perhaps I ought to go back for a year and then return to the the PhD, to familiarize myself with what's going on in Malaysia before venturing into the deep. After all, was not my ultimate goal to serve in Malaysia? Is it not now?