A New Day

It baffles me how many times I say to myself, today is a new day, today is a new start for my life. I turn a-new page. And then I think, this is it, a new beginning for the better and it's only going to get better and better. And then it starts again...today. I suppose it shouldn't come as an oxymoron. Life does change, it does have chapters, may God be glorified in each one, melding consistently into His plan.
Even since I moved to California, I have felt an emptiness, a missing piece in my role. Probably because it was the lack of community, familiar persons, companions in life, and work work work. Perhaps it is just me and my crazy mind. The bug, the one that has been with me since what seems like a lifetime ago, at age 20, has not left me. Most of the time I just think it's just my crazy mind talking, my blown up head getting out of control. And then I think, it is possible...but me? Every now and then I get glimpses that push me to explore deeper. And it drives me to think quicker, it's just my ego I'm stroking. Has not ministry been a part of my childhood and the days after? Has not my heroes always been the missionaries and life-savers? And for me to enter and be one that leads? Crazy! And then again, if God calls me truly, I am foolish not to answer. The question for me to find an answer to is, how? How do I respond? How do I test the spirits? Today I say that going deeper with Christ, dwelling daily in His word and in prayer...and most of all, speaking to His servants that already do follow Him closely is the answer to my question. I fear, yet this is the main obstacle in my path...that, and the lack of discipline. Always been there...now confronted with words.

Going to the Urbana conference some two (one?) years back ignited again my passion (curiosity?) for missions. And then coming to Southland, knowing the pastor and the Mu's has given me joy to see those who earnestly desire God and His Kingdom on earth. And Chuck Ripka. And now, Jaeson Ma. Their life stories inspire me. Me, whose weakest point is my ability to get along with others...to socialize with others...me, whose personality is better suited for the background, quiet work. Me? God, really? Then show me, make it clear to me that I cannot deny your calling. Pass me not over Lord but forgive my doubts. Change my heart O Lord and let me speak words You want me to speak, and thoughts You want me to think. That from my lips may there be hope, and my prayers, people saved in Your name.

I've been thinking lately...perhaps it's because work is just getting soooo tiring and draining...I don't need a career...for the first time since I found out school is not forever and there's actually a time when people grow up and start this thing called 'work,' a brilliant and successfully career is not of utmost importance to me. Yes, I can be good at what I do, and if I become successful by the world's standards...hooray. But that is not my ultimate goal. It's a means to an end, a way to sustain my physical wants and needs. I want to say that God is my goal. And it is in my mind. Now let it be in my heart and soul and spirit. That my thoughts will be flooded with His thoughts, that my actions will reflect my words. That my life will be a living sacrifice unto the Lord. Let my life speak for you O Lord. Help me to reconcile what I do today with the hereon after.