Steps

It's been a struggle to connect with God since I went back to the States. Alone no one stands, and my strength, O God, leaves me. Be my strength. And yet...it's a struggle to give all to God. I haven't been to my regular church...thought I would by now, but it's been three weeks already, and the thought popped in my mind...no one has called. That's not a good sign, it means that no one really missed me. And that's not community. I drove out to go this morning, but then called Sabina at the last minute, could I go to her church today? Sure...I arrived and am glad I went. I was right on time (unlike my typical well-meant timing but tardiness) and there was a guest speaker. He talked about washing away of sins, sins that grieve God. He talked about us not being able to fix things...it is by His grace. He talked about the Spirit going first, initiating the motion in our Christian lives...not our own effort, but God's. He talked about how a Christian life is one that is radically changed by God, and our view of what a Christian life is is continually challenged. God made the first move, not us. And then, we cannot supersede Him. It is by grace and utter repentance, in our surrendering that we are victorious. As much as I know, I needed this reminder, again and again to bow down before God with hands lifted high, palms open to Him. I slip so often, trying so hard and then giving up, sliding towards apathy. I struggle. I want a Christian community. I want to be missed.

I believe that God is speaking to me. And I feel that I am not giving Him the attention He deserves. And yet He comes back to me again and again. Thank you Jesus! I also feel that I am at a place whereby I need genuine people, people that will support me...and I'm not sure I can get this at the church I am 'going to now.' I feel judged, that if I don't appear 'spiritually healthy' enough, they put me in a box. And it's not ok to be emotional, I know this for experience. I want genuine people. I need someone/people to help me right now.

Home

I felt that it was time to go home for good. It's funny, after calling many different places 'home,' the home of all homes was always just Home in Malaysia. I felt it mid-way my trip home this past Christmas and then the days after. I felt that it was time to move back to Malaysia for good. I don't know if this is just the residue of going back and now

 returning. Realistically, I have about a year to work in my current job placement as part of the OT610 contract. The next time would then be to go back to Malaysia or to do a PhD. Perhaps I ought to go back for a year and then return to the the PhD, to familiarize myself with what's going on in Malaysia before venturing into the deep. After all, was not my ultimate goal to serve in Malaysia? Is it not now?