Steps

It's been a struggle to connect with God since I went back to the States. Alone no one stands, and my strength, O God, leaves me. Be my strength. And yet...it's a struggle to give all to God. I haven't been to my regular church...thought I would by now, but it's been three weeks already, and the thought popped in my mind...no one has called. That's not a good sign, it means that no one really missed me. And that's not community. I drove out to go this morning, but then called Sabina at the last minute, could I go to her church today? Sure...I arrived and am glad I went. I was right on time (unlike my typical well-meant timing but tardiness) and there was a guest speaker. He talked about washing away of sins, sins that grieve God. He talked about us not being able to fix things...it is by His grace. He talked about the Spirit going first, initiating the motion in our Christian lives...not our own effort, but God's. He talked about how a Christian life is one that is radically changed by God, and our view of what a Christian life is is continually challenged. God made the first move, not us. And then, we cannot supersede Him. It is by grace and utter repentance, in our surrendering that we are victorious. As much as I know, I needed this reminder, again and again to bow down before God with hands lifted high, palms open to Him. I slip so often, trying so hard and then giving up, sliding towards apathy. I struggle. I want a Christian community. I want to be missed.

I believe that God is speaking to me. And I feel that I am not giving Him the attention He deserves. And yet He comes back to me again and again. Thank you Jesus! I also feel that I am at a place whereby I need genuine people, people that will support me...and I'm not sure I can get this at the church I am 'going to now.' I feel judged, that if I don't appear 'spiritually healthy' enough, they put me in a box. And it's not ok to be emotional, I know this for experience. I want genuine people. I need someone/people to help me right now.

Home

I felt that it was time to go home for good. It's funny, after calling many different places 'home,' the home of all homes was always just Home in Malaysia. I felt it mid-way my trip home this past Christmas and then the days after. I felt that it was time to move back to Malaysia for good. I don't know if this is just the residue of going back and now

 returning. Realistically, I have about a year to work in my current job placement as part of the OT610 contract. The next time would then be to go back to Malaysia or to do a PhD. Perhaps I ought to go back for a year and then return to the the PhD, to familiarize myself with what's going on in Malaysia before venturing into the deep. After all, was not my ultimate goal to serve in Malaysia? Is it not now?

Chipping away

I woke up this morning thinking, "I don't have a reason to resent Mummy." And I never really did. Given the amount of explanations for actions in the past, given bit by bit, each time I return home, it is reasonable to believe that everything that I thought I was rightly mad about, I really did not have understanding and full story to rationally justify my anger that built up into resentment. And for a moment after waking, I felt a deep sense of peace and calm, that I had nothing against my mother, and even more, that I was at peace with her. That she loved me and I could do so in return. It seems that every time I return home a little bit of the stone wall chips away, and this time, a small but significant piece broke away. It is nothing short of divine understanding, or rather by His grace, me accepting what is. 

Post-

The last time I posted, my mind was in a far off un-ventured zone of adulthood. It's still in adulthood, tiptoeing in as I have been doing so. I am at peace, adult-like so, and also with the faith of a child, as I imagine it to be so. I have learned a different side of life and have come out holding God up, with arms lifted high in humility and acknowledgment of His sovereignty. God reigns. I see the greatness of God, I see His absolute love for me, for us. I see His love in suffering and sorrow. I cannot rationalize it in my head or articulate it in clear and succinct words, but my heart knows it to be truth. That God is real. That God cries for us. That God rejoices for us. That God is far beyond us. That God sent His Son to die for me. That I might raise my hands up to Him to be filled with His grace and peace. That I, that we, cannot help but respond to Him. How is the question, the deciding factor.

Thanksgiving note of a different kind

"I won't let anything happen to you"

And when you can say this with confidence as well as without hesitation, you know that you can do so, you believe you can and have the ability to do so. Perhaps anything is an exaggeration. "I won't let you fall" would be more appropriate for an instance, a moment, an event in time. I think of a child I see in therapy, and I said this to him...and even if I was unable to fulfill an "anything" I could so do for the moment with absolute confidence and care. And I wanted to, to see him succeed.

A dear friend recently lost an unborn child at 7 months. She's only a year older than me. By the time I flew over, she was home, recovering. I am amazed at her resilience and strong will. I am more amazed that the couple's resolution to, together as one, stand before the Lord with arms lifted in thanksgiving to Him despite all that has happened to them. Today is Thanksgiving, and despite the misfortune three days ago, they decided to un-cancel their Thanksgiving gathering/meal and have one to celebrate the blessings in life. I am humbled and amazed. 

Praise God, magnify His Name. The husband spoke of not asking the 'why' but rather accepting that God chose his son to be taken to heaven, if not his son, it would some other. But God knew that he and his wife, his family was able to manage this. God does not tempt more, give more sorrow in life that one can bear.  For this child of God to say this, he turned into a man of God before my eyes. I see him in a new light, yes, I knew he was a godly man, but yesterday night, he proved himself a true man. A man of valor in weeping with his wife, and a man of God in yet still standing steadfast before God and

 giving thanks to Him in this time of absolute sorrow. I worry about the speed in which this couple has reached this point in grief, but at the same time can see how they have reached this point so soon. Praise God for such a man, and such a woman. Thank God for their example, for those like me, that I can be so privileged to know them and walk part of their path in life. Praise God, no words I can imagine that give glory to God enough, the praise and worship that He alone deserves. 

Praise God. I am blessed to be a part of this family. Like he said, "You know who family is when those people come beside you in a time like this. That's who your family is. You have friends, everyone has friends, but not everyone has family. And now I know who's my family." O God carry this family for the weeks and months and years to come. Bless them with mighty and great joy as they have experienced great sorrow.

Much a-do about nothing

So perhaps this is nothing, or perhaps this will be the second, or first post about something. Surely something to laugh about for one reason or another, or shake the head about...any who...I can laugh at myself now, and that's what matters as I write this post. God knows my intentions. And more than I can say, He has all-knowledge and knows everything...and knows my lack-therof (I want to read this mind!).

The lack of knowing what I think I should know or at least try to figure out and make the ephemeral thoughts and feelings concrete, full and tangible words and ideas. I acted on my feelings for the better...better in the sense that I am doing something about it, lacking in the sense I did so for myself, and seen only by myself...oh deary. But I take comfort that God saw, and He knows about it and the why and He also, being God :) direct my path and the path of those who I hope He will direct real soon :) But I will wait...and then perhaps laugh in the future at my trepidation and childish act(s).

Fragility

It's coming back to the conscious surface again. It's the subject of human nature, so near, permeating everything and yet so far. At times I do not understand it, and then I seek and struggle for God and then it becomes ok again and I am in tune with myself, satisfied. And then I drift and I struggle again. I think I have somewhat come to terms with it. Hold me closer dearer O Lord, open my heart to You to experience You deeper and more clearer still. I cannot imagine how much more love You have for me. It amazes me. And I will yet give up on myself.